So many films, songs, paintings have been created, shared, and experienced innumerable times for thousands of years by and for people experiencing loneliness. If you’ve lived you’ve felt it. There’s no way around it. As kids we may even face it without any idea of what’s happening. And sometimes “WHAT IS HAPPENING!” is what it may feel like right? Well we’re here to answer that question, and more! So, let’s go.
What is Loneliness?
That experience of solitude, where you feel alone, without the support of your beloved, your friends, and your family. Like talking into a phone with no one on the other end when you WANT there to be someone listening. Maybe even a shoulder to cry on. Loneliness may ambush us even when we’re completely surrounded by people, smack-dab in the middle of your day. Even though one of the commonest ways to express this loneliness is saying “I feel lonely”, loneliness is not a “feeling”. That doesn’t mean it isn’t unpleasant, distressing, and downright painful. Loneliness is a state of mind rooted in what we THINK about our situation. If we think we don’t have the kind of social support we want/need, then the experience of this cognition is loneliness. So you can feel completely content eating alone at a restaurant if you feel socially connected, and in its absence experience loneliness even during a group lunch.
Why do we feel Lonely?
It sucks to experience loneliness. There can be multiple reasons which cumulatively add up to a state of loneliness, with varying intensities. It can always get lonelier, but then it can also get less lonely! So why do we experience loneliness?
- One reason is Relational Deficit. A fancy way of saying that there’s a gap between the kind of social connections and socialization you have now, and the kind you want. Which is why sometimes even when we’re with an entire friend group, we may still miss our best friend!
- Another reason is an Inadequate System that is not enough for your needs. For example, good nourishment must include various nutrients, vitamins, carbs, etc, through our diet. This is what makes it a balanced diet. With this analogy in mind, loneliness is like experiencing malnourishment. Loneliness is when we don’t have a “balanced-socialization” for our mental and social well-being. Being part of a family or a friend group that isn’t adequate, or supportive enough, can similarly cause malnourishment.
- Loneliness may also occur because we simply don’t HOW to associate and socialize with people- even romantically! Anyone who has ever handshake-d a fistbump, or visibly goes red when their crush talks to them, is bound to know that socializing can be tricky (and in retrospect, quite funny!). Until we turn 20 we’re asked to not be in relationships. In fact it is actively discouraged by society. And then somewhere around 25 BAM…rishte. Just….how? No concern for how someone feels, how they’re adjusting to their new reality, nothing. Straight up marriage. Logic. The experience of the queer community, which is also rife with loneliness, may be a little different. They may experience an absence of role models, and friends where they can be themselves and not be judged for their feelings. We’re given no opportunity to build the social skills and then are expected to perform them without ANY practice. This, in a community where we can get a learner’s permit before getting a full driver’s license, but not talk to attractive people in our formative years. The irony is not lost on us.
So relational deficit, lack of skill, and being caught in inadequate systems lead to social malnourishment and induce loneliness within, and around us.
How to start dealing with Loneliness?
As we’ve mentioned before, loneliness is technically not an emotion, it’s a state of being. Just like being malnourished. When we don’t get necessary nourishment our bodies enter a state of malnourishment which may be cured with the right balance of different foods. In loneliness, our malnourishment is social in nature. And what cures it is the right mix of hugs, conversations, and intimacy with our loved ones. But if we perceive loneliness as a feeling, we may believe that we can simply “feel” better. For example let’s say you’re not feeling well, and you take a nap after which you feel better. The same rarely if ever works with loneliness! And often the experience of loneliness can be quite debilitating. One study show that loneliness puts us at a risk of heart diseases, stroke, etc., and a lot of mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, etc. People who feel lonely are likelier to die at younger ages. Being lonely can literally take years off of your life. It may not be easy, but we owe it to our well-being and happiness to try our best. For us! So once we accept that loneliness is a state of being, an experience, we may move ahead to tolerate, endure, and finally overcome it!
How to deal with the thoughts and feelings around Loneliness
Loneliness may not be an emotion, but we can have a lot of emotions because of loneliness! For example we may feel a lot of anger about the fact that we’re lonely. Or anxiety, or depression, or any other unpleasant emotion. These emotions in turn spring from certain thoughts that we have. These thoughts make the experience even more painful. Like salt to a wound! So let’s look at the glacier from which our stream of thought originates and how to turn its flow towards a more helpful thought process.
- The “musts and shoulds”: When we want something and we don’t get it, we may feel stung by it. That is natural. But when we demand something – I MUST not be lonely ever! – the experience of not having that demand met may be even more painful! It stops us from accepting our reality and finding solutions to the problem. We end up unhelpfully obsessing over the demand-not-being-met part. No one WANTS to be lonely, but we CAN, right? If we tell ourselves that we SHOULDN’T experience loneliness, we add another layer of distress over a preexisting patina of discomfort. The unhelpful kind of BOGO. It may suck yes, but disallowing ourselves to have the human experience of loneliness strips us of the very thing that makes us human.
- The “this is the end of the world”: It is the human tendency to think in extreme negatives. Thoughts like “I am lonely and I will never find anyone ever again and I’ll die ALL ALONE” are exemplary of this thought process. It is true that loneliness sucks, but is it really as bad as we fear it is? Think of the worst thing that may objectively happen to a person and then ask yourself – Is it really world-ending-can-never-recover-from-it bad? The idea is to view loneliness objectively, to assess the pain of the situation appropriately, not excessively. Therapy may prove immensely helpful to battle these thoughts. Because they’re not just extreme in nature, we tend to believe them too. A therapist is better equipped to help us battle these kinds of thoughts.
- The “this is so frustrating that I can’t deal with it”: Imagine that you’re running low on patience on a day where you’ve had less sleep, improper food, and no hydration. Now imagine you stub your toe on that day. CURSES! Now imagine you stub your toes on a good day when you’re happy. It still hurts and is still annoying…but much less! What’s the difference? Sometimes our tolerance for frustration is less due to multiple reasons – one of them being the thoughts we have. Thoughts like “I simply CAN’T STAND loneliness” worsen an already unsavory experience for us. When we think this, what we’re telling ourselves is that we CANNOT stand something (in this case loneliness). We question our own capabilities. But imagine this, terrorists have kidnapped your loved ones and said they’ll only be released if you tolerate your loneliness. Would you be able to tolerate it then? If yes, then can you do the same for your mental health?
- The Cross Connection: We have a way of connecting things that don’t connect simply because we enjoy connection so much. Like if a loud noise happens and you get a text back from that person you wished would text back, silly as it may sound, we may think the (completely unrelated) loud sound is why we got the text back. The brain loves to connect cause with effect. Something similar may happen when we experience loneliness. We may make self-evaluations like “If I’m lonely it means I’m unlovable/ unworthy/ a bad person”. Spoiler alert, you’re not. You are a person experiencing a natural (and sucky!) human phenomenon. We mistakenly attach our self-worth with our experiences. But imagine this, if your best friend was lonely, would you think they’re deficient in some way?
- The Sour Grapes: With the same penchant to associate cause and effect, instead of turning inwards and judging ourselves, one may also turn outwards and unfairly judge others for their loneliness. Thoughts like “If I am lonely that means other people suck. They should want to connect with me” may turn up repeatedly whenever loneliness jolts them. The act of blaming others cuts off any chance of accepting wholesome social interactions because we’ve already labeled the world an idiot. And thus a vicious cycle is created. Let’s say for example you’re not a Taylor Swift fan. Does it make you wrong to not like her music? You’re allowed to have your own tastes and opinions. But imagine a swiftie turns up and unfairly judges you for it. That’s unfair, right? Loneliness works similarly. In truth there is no blame! Blame reduces a dynamic situation to a skewed reality. One that is neither true, nor sustainable.
- The Doomsdayer: Lastly, in the same thought style of connecting unrelated causes with independent effects, is negatively assessing the entire world or our life because of our loneliness. Thoughts like “If I’m lonely life is not worth living” or “If I’m lonely that means the world is a bad place”. It’s when we think that the way we feel at the moment, is the way we will feel forever, until the end of our days. That our entire life, and the world where it takes place is a gloomy place filled with meaninglessness. That’s often not the case, situations change, and we find ways to cope. When we feel lonely, that meaning may get dimmer, even flicker, but it’s always there. Ask yourself this, “What are some other things that bring meaning in your life and help you sustain when you don’t feel okay?
- The solution blindness: We may have certain notions on what we need to stop feeling lonely. Our solutions may however be affected by rose-tinted glasses. For example, romantic thoughts of a partner saving someone from their loneliness, or a group of friends like in Rang De Basanti that (spoiler alert!) die side by side for what they believe in. These romantic notions divert our attention to solutions that are idealistic, or unrealistic. When our attentions are so occupied, we are then unable to start small with options – like joining a hobby class – that will almost definitely help improve our situation and fulfill our needs.
- “Musts and shoulds” in relation to the above points: The various thoughts we mentioned after demand may sneakily be affected by demands. Whenever the words “must” and/or “should” appear in a thought, it turns into a demand. Like holding on tighter to a hot cooker.
Que Sera, Sera
This expression which translates to “whatever will be, will be” is not a passive resignation to our situation. It’s a reminder that sometimes, the best thing we may do is accept the things that are not in our control. Once there is acceptance, we may move forward. A rejection of loneliness keeps us stuck in it. If loneliness is a destination, rejecting it would be like stopping in your tracks. You neither move forward, nor backward. Accepting it is like walking – and it may be walking slowly, but it is onwards. Towards the destination and beyond. Overcoming loneliness is a process and it takes time, but the process can’t start unless we accept that there is something lacking, that it does suck. You’re not alone in your loneliness. Millions of people are right there, struggling with some form of loneliness. But we keep working towards a better future. That’s the beauty of humanity. We try, and then we try again. And if you ever want support to deal with loneliness, we’re always just a call away!
References
https://www.verywellmind.com/loneliness-causes-effects-and-treatments-2795749