“When the winds of change blow, some people build walls, others build windmills.”
Most of us have done both.
We have built walls when life felt too exposing.
We have built windmills when, somehow, we found the courage to use difficulty as movement.
Change doesn’t wait until we feel ready.
It can arrive through a mistake we cannot ignore, a conversation we were avoiding, a rejection we hoped would not come, or a moment when the habit that once held us together starts holding us back.
So let’s explore the difference between a growth mindset and a fixed mindset towards change, why we may protect ourselves by building walls, and how we can slowly learn to build windmills through genuine curiosity, patience, and a kinder relationship with growth.
Change Reveals Our Defences
Change does not divide people neatly into strong and weak. It usually reveals where we feel vulnerable.
A manager says, “Can we talk about how that went?” and your stomach drops.
A partner tells you something you did has hurt them, and your first instinct is to explain yourself.
You try something new and hate being the least experienced person in the room.
These moments of change can bring out a fixed response because challenges can feel like a judgement on who we are.
A mistake may not feel like one mistake. It may feel like proof that we are not capable.
Feedback may not sound like guidance. It may sound like criticism.
Starting again may not feel like growth. It may feel like embarrassment.
A more open response to change does not mean we never feel exposed. It means we can slowly learn to stay curious, especially when something feels uncomfortable.
The difference is not an absence of fear. Most of us feel it.
The difference is what we believe fear, failure, and feedback are telling us.
Why Walls Feel Necessary
It is easy to talk about fixed mindsets as though they are simply stubbornness. But most protective patterns have a history.
Walls can look like avoidance, defensiveness, perfectionism, withdrawing, rejecting feedback, or staying with familiar habits even when they no longer help.
From the outside, these behaviours may seem unhelpful. From the inside, they may feel like shelter.
A person who avoids trying something new may not be lazy. They may be afraid of failing publicly.
A person who rejects feedback may not be arrogant. They may have learnt to perceive criticism as rejection.
A person who needs everything to be perfect may not be trying to impress anyone. They may simply be terrified of feeling inadequate.
Often, the walls we build are walls that once helped us get through difficult parts of life. They may have protected us when we did not feel supported, understood, or safe enough to grow through change.
Before we ask ourselves to take a wall down, it is helpful to understand why it went up.
When Protection Holds Us Back
Walls have a purpose. They give shelter. Some walls are necessary. Boundaries, rest, and distance can be healthy.
The question is whether the wall is protecting our wellbeing or preventing our growth when faced with change.
Avoiding feedback may save us from discomfort in the moment, but it can also keep us from understanding ourselves better.
Avoiding challenge may protect us from failure, but it can also prevent us from discovering what we are capable of.
Staying with an old habit may feel safe, but safety can narrow our life when it leaves no room for change.
Over time, the wall becomes familiar. We may even mistake it for our true personality.
But a wall is not always who we are. Sometimes, it is an old response to change that has not yet been questioned.
The kinder question is not, “Why did I build this?” It is, “Does this wall still need to be this high?”
What Windmills Teach Us
A windmill does not stop the wind. It does not argue with it, hide from it, or pretend it is gentle. It works with what is already moving.
That is a useful way to understand a learning mindset toward change.
This way of thinking is not about enjoying every challenge. It is not about rushing to find a lesson in pain. Some changes hurt. Some feedback is hard to hear. Some failures leave us embarrassed, disappointed, or unsure of ourselves.
Building windmills does not deny any of that.
It simply asks: “What can I do with this?” Not “How do I make this painless?” Not “How do I pretend I am fine?” But “How can I respond in a way that helps me move?”
A wall blocks. A windmill converts.
One tries to keep life out. The other takes what life brings and turns it into energy, learning, movement, or direction.
And nowhere is this harder, or more revealing, than in the moments when we fail.
Failure Is Not Identity
Failure is an event. Shame can turn it into our identity.
When we are in a fixed mindset, failure can quickly become personal. We move from “This did not work” to “I am not good enough.” One rejection becomes a prediction. One mistake becomes a label. One difficult conversation becomes evidence against our worth.
This can feel especially strong for people who have grown up around harsh criticism, comparison, or high expectations. If failure has often been met with shame, it makes sense that we would want to avoid it by avoiding change.
A more compassionate shift offers separation.
A failed exam may say something about preparation, pressure, support, timing, or method. It does not contain the full truth of a person.
A difficult conversation may reveal a skill that needs work. It does not prove someone is impossible to love.
A rejection email may hurt. It may disappoint us deeply. But it does not have the authority to decide what we are capable of becoming.
Failure may still affect us. This shift does not ask us to be untouched by it. It simply reminds us that failure can give us information.
It can show us where we need practice. Where we need support. Where we need rest. Where we need honesty. Where we may need another approach.
It may be painful, but it does not have to become our name.
Growth Can Feel Tender
We often imagine growth as something bold.
A fresh start. A brave decision. A confident version of ourselves walking into the future without looking back.
But real growth is messy.
Sometimes growth is letting feedback land before defending ourselves. Sometimes it is saying, “I do not know how to do this yet.” Sometimes it is apologising without turning the conversation into a trial against ourselves. Sometimes it is trying again after disappointment.
Sometimes, growth is simply not abandoning ourselves after a mistake.
This kind of growth can feel tender because it asks us to be seen before we feel ready. It asks us to be beginners. It asks us to loosen old defences without knowing exactly what will replace them.
That is not easy.
So if growth feels awkward, or slow, it does not mean nothing is happening. It may mean we are learning in real time. It may mean we are stretching into a version of ourselves that still feels unfamiliar.
Building windmills does not require fearlessness. It begins with the small decision not to shut down completely when faced with change.
Practising A Gentler Shift
A mindset shift can’t happen in one grand moment. It usually happens quietly, in the way we speak to ourselves after something difficult.
Instead of “I am bad at this,” we might try, “I am still learning this.”
Instead of “This proves I cannot do it,” we might ask, “What support would help me here?”
Instead of “I failed,” we might say, “This attempt gave me information.”
These phrases do not magically remove discomfort. But they can create a little more space between what happened and what we decide it means about us.
We can also ask gentler questions:
“What am I protecting here?”
“What would I try if I did not need to do it perfectly?”
“What is one small way to respond differently?”
No one lives in a growth mindset all the time. We may be open to change in one area of life and guarded in another. We may welcome professional feedback but struggle with emotional vulnerability. We may be brave in relationships but afraid to try something new at work.
That does not make us inconsistent. It makes us human.
The aim is not to become endlessly positive or permanently open. It is to notice when we are closing off, and gently ask whether another response is possible.
A growth mindset is not a demand to become better overnight. It is a reminder that we are allowed to learn as we go.
When Support Helps
Of course, some walls are harder to understand alone.
Repeated criticism, rejection, perfectionism, low self-worth, difficult relationships, or painful memories can all make growth feel threatening. In these moments, simply telling ourselves to “think differently” may not be enough.
Sometimes we need help understanding why the wall went up before we can decide how to lower it.
In such cases, therapy offers the space to understand what our walls have protected, how they may now be limiting us, and what change could look like at a pace we can manage.
Support is not about forcing growth. It is about making growth feel safer.
Life will keep bringing moments we did not rehearse for.
Some days, we may still build walls. That does not mean we have failed. It may simply mean something in us needs care before it can open.
But when we are ready, even a small opening can turn into movement. We may not control the wind, but we can slowly learn what to build with it.
And if you need help on this journey we’re always just a call away!