Imagine you’re in a vehicle (even better if you’re the one in the driver’s seat). You’re going from Point A to Point B. You find bumper to bumper traffic, rolling traffic, people breaking the signals, people driving on the wrong side, sometimes even free and empty roads. Sometimes you let people go first, sometimes they cut you off and you can feel your Road Rage about to wreak havoc. A fitting analogy for Life – from Point A to Point B, filled with other people in society on similar individual journeys. When living on these roads chock-full of people, how does one know when to choose our journey, and when to give the right of way to society?
What is Society?
Essentially, society is wherever a bunch of people (strangers or friends and family alike) come together to share a common space (which isn’t necessarily geographical in nature). Living in Society is like sharing a house but on a world scale. A lot to manage, right? Let’s take a simple example, a cinema. Now who wouldn’t want to sit like a king, speak to their friends at whatever volume, check the phone on a whim, maybe even pause the film to go get some snack besides the interval. The reality however is much different. A cinema like other public areas is a shared space and wherever we share space with multiple people society sneakily oozes in. So in cinemas we follow a lot of unsaid rules and regulations, we prioritize society. Now let’s say you’re in the theater and you’re getting a call from home, and it’s the third consecutive call. Clearly it’s an emergency. So you get up (to the obvious inconvenience of the people around you) and rush out to call back while you continuously apologize. A situation arose which needed you to prioritize yourself over society, and you made the best of the situation as politely as possible.
Living-in with 8 Billion People
Just like living together is a negotiation between people, so is living in a society. A great many philosophers have attempted to define the social contracts and the benefits they bestow unto us. In short, they ensure safety, productivity, and the collective progress of mankind. Neat, right? As all things in life it comes at a cost, one that we’re not explicitly asked for, but they take their pound of flesh. How do we make it into a civil blood donation instead?
Boundaries that Help, Boundaries that Hinder
The answer to that is boundaries! Drawing necessary yet flexible boundaries wherever we interact with society at large. First let’s take a look at the two extreme kinds of boundaries that can often be created:
- The “Anything Goes”: These are the kind of boundaries that fold like cheap plastic chairs when faced with the demands of society. An example of this in action is when a person chooses an occupation, a partner, even what they eat based on what others expect or need from them. They HAVE their own opinion, wants, and preferences but they choose to put them on the backburner. They’re unable to distinguish what they want from what people want from them, and even if they do, they’re unable or unwilling to put their foot down and ask for it. As challenging a task as it is to balance between the two, or even simply making a boundary for some of us, it is not impossible!
- The “My-Way-or-the-Highway”: On the other end are boundaries that are rigid as steel, unwavering, and unyielding. This shows up as stubborn, inconsiderate, unkind and rude actions. This is different from resolute ambition, and visionary pioneers. Those people for example that break the traffic signal not for any better reason than they didn’t want to wait that long. People new to boundaries also end up creating rigid boundaries since the skill is one they’re still practicing. The boundaries are unhelpful because they don’t take into account the larger picture. They aren’t sensitive to the context. So if a boundary is “If someone calls I will pick up the phone no matter what” and you’re in the cinema, a rigid boundary wouldn’t take this into account. It would simply execute the action unmindfully. Annoying it can be, but society exists for our benefit and not everything they ask of us is unreasonable.
The Balancing Act
So, on one hand is the inability to pick yourself over society, and on the other hand is the inability to pick society over yourself (even when in the long run it is beneficial to us all). How do we find a healthy middle between the two? By finding your limitations. What is acceptable to you, what is not acceptable to you. For example, if you’re traveling to Japan are you willing to bow instead of high-fiving and fist-bumoing people? Or, if you’re looking for a partner, are you willing to go through the arranged marriage route? The answer to these and many other questions are highly unique for all of us since our limitations are also similarly individual. Sometimes we are not as aware of our limitations, and even when we want to know, we simply don’t know how. We can discover and polish our knowledge of limitations through trial and error – an effortful yet effective technique. Noticing how your body and mind respond to things. Let’s say you are out with friends and the next you have low energy and unexplainable headaches. Often our body reacts to situations it doesn’t find agreeable. The next time you go out with friends you can then investigate and discover for yourself exactly when you start feeling off. Through such trial and error you will come to know a lot about yourself. Maybe it is a lack of sleep that didn’t sit well with you, or the kind of food you ate, or the kind of socializing that happens. Each person is unique!
We all live in a society. It’s like living around a huge bonfire. A bonfire that is capable of giving us warmth, safety, and comfort, as well as burning us if we don’t find that sweet spot from its brilliant radiance. Remember: balance doesn’t mean equality, it means balance! So go out there and find yours. And if you want help on this tricky journey, we are always just a call away!