They hurt you. Disrespected you, mistreated you, crossed your boundaries, broke your trust, betrayed you.
So why forgive them? Wouldn’t that mean letting them get away with it?
We’ve all been here at one point or another. Holding on to this anger is like being on the outside of a submarine as it descends into the murky depths of the ocean. Letting go can therefore keep you afloat in more ways than one. Research not only confirms this, but underlines the many benefits to our physical and psychological well-being. So why forgive? Let’s find out!
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is often defined as a process wherein one gives up feelings of resentment against someone who has wronged us. But there’s more to it. A more nuanced definition of forgiveness by the American Psychological Association is as follows:
“Forgiveness involves willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way. Forgiveness is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behaviour, so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.”
This process may look different for each of us, but generally, it involves moving from negative feelings, towards acceptance, and ultimately more positive feelings. It’s important to remember that the process is often neither easy nor linear.
The literature identifies two types of forgiveness:
- Emotional Forgiveness: This is a profound shift in feelings. It’s a more comprehensive process and has more potent direct benefits like stress reduction, and improvement in heart health.
- Decisional Forgiveness: This involves making a conscious choice to forgive, even if the negative emotions linger. At first it may seem hollow, but it facilitates reconciliation, and reduces the cycle of negative thoughts. Interestingly, decisional forgiveness can pave the way to emotional forgiveness!
We usually don’t want to forgive. We may want justice, to see some sort of accountability from the offender. We may want to protect ourselves by holding on to unforgiveness. We may perceive forgiveness as an act of vulnerability and therefore want to avoid it all the same. We may want to avoid it because we don’t know how to process the intense negative feelings. Which raises the next obvious question.
Why Forgive?
The next valid question that obstructs the way to acceptance and forgiveness is “Why?”.
Why should I forgive the person who wronged me?
Answering this question becomes even more challenging in cases of trauma and abuse. And rightly so, they’re intense and hurtful events that overwhelm our coping capabilities. How is it fair to just let them off the hook?
Imagine that you’ve been stabbed. In order to treat the wound, the knife needs to be removed, the bleeding stopped. Holding on to the anger is like keeping that knife in the wound. It sucks, yes. It is unfair, yes. In an ideal world you wouldn’t have been stabbed at all. But unfortunately the stabbing is done and can’t be undone. And unlike physical wounds, mental and emotional wounds don’t provide us with such tangibly concrete indicators like bleeding. Holding on to the negative feelings not only keeps the wound fresh, it obstructs us from healing, and significantly reduces the quality of our life.
Forgiveness isn’t a magical pill that instantly fixes all hurt. It’s a gradual, and non-linear process that brings about an attitudinal shift. It doesn’t change reality in terms of what has already happened, but it enables us to view the past realistically, and heal.
It may not seem like justice, and it may feel scary too. Forgiveness is for us, not for them. We can forgive someone and still hold them accountable for their actions. It is not them we’re letting off the hook, it is us! Forgiveness is a sustainable way to move past the hurt. Even if the offender doesn’t feel guilty, and doesn’t deserve it, you deserve to move past the event, You deserve to process it and take care of yourself. That takes strength and courage!
Forgiveness even has multiple benefits for our physical and mental health. They are as follows:
Physiological Benefits
- Improved Heart Health: Studies show that people who forgive exhibit lower blood pressure and heart rate (in resting states and in response to the events that hurt them), and are quicker in returning to their baseline after stressful events. This reduces the strain on our heart!
- Soothes Sympathetic Nervous System: Studies suggest that forgiveness helps calm the body’s fight-or-flight response and reduces muscle strain. This promotes relaxation within the body and regulates physiological stress.
- Stress-Buster: Several studies have linked forgiveness with lower cortisol levels. It therefore protects us from the negative effects of prolonged cortisol exposure.
- Brain Activity: Studies confirm a link between forgiveness and increased prefrontal cortex activity (the brain region responsible for emotional regulation). This suggests that forgiveness may engage brain areas that help with coping
Psychological Benefits
- Reduces Negative Emotions: Forgiveness, especially emotional forgiveness, helps transform negative emotions like bitterness, resentment, and anger into more positive emotions like empathy, self-compassion, and self-love.
- Decreases Spiralling: It helps break the cycle of repetitive negative thought patterns that hamper our lives. It offers us a path of healing and self-compassion.
- Improves Mental Health: Studies show that forgiveness is linked to healthier mental well-being, with decreased levels of depression, anxiety, and stress.
- Enhances Self-Compassion and Self-Acceptance: Forgiving ourself is a major part of the entire process of forgiveness. It is essential for self-acceptance, self-compassion, and a sense of wholeness. It helps move past emotion like shame, guilt, and self-blame, fostering a more positive sense of self!
- Moving from Surviving to Thriving: By embracing forgiveness one can move from surviving past hurts to thriving in the present. To be mindful, one must be in the present. Forgiveness allows us to process the past, return to the present, and meaningfully look forward to a hopeful future!
It is important to remember that forgiveness isn’t forgetting. It doesn’t absolve people of what they’ve done. It means that we’re ready to move on from it by healing and processing our feelings. In fact forgiveness can help us remember more objectively without feeling intense negative emotions. This enables us to learn how to better protect ourselves.
Living is a challenging endeavour where we’re often faced with difficult situations and unavoidable pain. We may find ourselves hurt, and disrespected. Regardless of the specifics of the situation, this can be quite a painful experience, challenging to overcome. In such circumstances, forgiveness offers us the best path forward. A road on which we can process our feelings, accept reality, and move forward.
In the end, forgiveness isn’t about letting others off the hook; it’s about freeing ourselves. It’s an act of self-care, allowing us to move from survival mode to truly thriving. So, why forgive? Because you deserve to live with a lighter heart, clearer mind, and healthier body. Forgiveness is a non-linear journey, and if ever you need a helping hand on that path, support is always within reach!
References
- https://scholar.harvard.edu/files/davidrwilliams/files/toussaint_et_al._forgiveness_and_physical_health._in_handbook_of_forgiveness_2020.pdf
- https://www.templeton.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/Forgiveness_final.pdf
- Worthington, E.L., Witvliet, C.V.O., Pietrini, P. et al. Forgiveness, Health, and Well-Being: A Review of Evidence for Emotional Versus Decisional Forgiveness, Dispositional Forgivingness, and Reduced Unforgiveness. J Behav Med 30, 291–302 (2007). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10865-007-9105-8
- Toussaint, Loren & Worthington, Everett & Williams, D.R.. (2015). Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health. 10.1007/978-94-017-9993-5.
- Worthington, E. L., Jr. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.