How To: Support a Loved One with ADHD

How do you get someone with ADHD to clean their house? Assign them homework.

Now, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is no joke but this humor gives us an insight into the complex predicament of someone with this neurodivergence. While it presents challenges, it’s important to remember that people with ADHD often possess remarkable creativity, boundless energy, and a unique way of thinking! Imagine being a lefty in a righty’s world, but instead of just tools, it’s the entire way information is presented, tasks are structured, and focus is expected. That’s a glimpse into the daily experience for many with ADHD. So, let’s ditch the stereotypes and focus on empathetic understanding, and learn how to support our loved ones.

What is ADHD?

ADHD is a neurodivergence more than a disorder. There are basic neurobiological differences in the way a brain operates in ADHD. Imagine having multiple thoughts at the same time that are fighting tooth and nail for your complete attention, all. the. time. People with ADHD face the following problems:

• Inattention (unable to focus and organize)
• Hyperactivity (excessive unproductive movement)
• Impulsivity (hasty actions)

These are only broad categories of the problems that they face on a daily basis. Each individual with this neurodivergence may experience the same symptoms differently. They have difficulties staying on topic or waiting for their turn during conversation, completing tasks, paying attention, among the more common ones. Research suggests that people with ADHD suffer from low self-esteem, low self-worth, and excessive self-criticism. These may crop up because the world expects them to be a certain way, a normal that they understand. In addition to the expectations, there is little to no support that is offered to them in navigating the various challenges of life.

ADHD may be challenging to manage but that isn’t all it is. People with ADHD have high energy levels and are capable of focusing intensely. When these are channeled positively and towards goals they want to achieve, they’re nigh unstoppable. They can also be spontaneous and come up with fun plans on the go. They’re brilliantly creative because they’re not limited by normal thought processes. All of these strengths and many more come with this neurodivergence.

How to Extend Support to Your Loved Ones Suffering from ADHD?

So, it’s a challenging Neurodivergence, yes. There’s little support for it in the world, yes. But how can we extend support to a loved one suffering from ADHD? Multiple ways! We have listed some of them below, but that in no way is an exhaustive list.

• Understand: Do your research! Find out as much as you can about ADHD, including your loved one’s diagnosis (if they’re comfortable sharing it). Google it, talk to a doctor, talk to your loved one! Find out the challenges they’re facing on a day to day basis. They’ll be happy to have someone – anyone, who finally cares enough to ask! It is quite natural to feel annoyed at some of their habits, but they don’t do it on purpose. There is no intention, it really is that difficult for them to not get distracted, or speak over you in conversations.
• Empathize: We naturally tend to discount experiences that don’t align with our reality, but that’s not always helpful! So, when you listen, be as empathetic as possible. Imagine how difficult life may be for someone to have a traffic jam in their heads, all the time. For neurotypicals that don’t have the experience of ADHD it is quite natural to be dismissive of something that you had no idea was possible. Well, it is possible, and yes it is also annoying for them. The circle of blame-argue is one that can be broken with empathy.  
• Hold Space: People with ADHD may suffer from sensory overload sometimes. Sometimes they feel like an engine is on in their mind and speak continuously. During such times, hold space for your loved one by allowing them to speak to you, or give them privacy, depending on the situation. They will feel better in a while, but until they do, your patience and understanding go a long way in helping them get there.
• Respect the Zone: People with ADHD may focus intensely on a subject of interest for hours in what is called “hyperfocusing”. That’s why they know so much about spiders because that one time they spent 8 hours researching them. When they hyperfocus, leave them to it as much as is reasonably possible. It will work itself out, and they will definitely get back to you!
• Be their Cheerleader: Being a neurodivergent in a neurotypical world, they may have a lot of internalized self-criticism, and low self-esteem. They can really use someone cheering them on, even for seemingly uneventful or what may be average for neurotypicals. This coming from someone they love and admire is even better! So get that pom-pom and prep that routine. 1,2, cha-cha-cha!
• Nurture not Nag: Nagging works on no human. It is really not what you say, but how you say it. Even the most difficult of things can be discussed if a person is approached with empathy which is why empathy becomes so important to support someone with ADHD. The urge to nag them is understandable, but it is counterproductive. So if you’re getting late because your loved one is not ready to go out (because ADHD causes time blindness too), being gentle and understanding will motivate them whereas yelling will only shame and hurt them.
• Body Double: This method discovered in ADHD self-help groups can prove very helpful too. Simply having someone else’s presence while they do mundane tasks can prove motivating and help them stay on track. The body double can do the same task, or another task, or simply be present. Some people report that having people body double digitally is also helpful.  
• Take Care of Yourself: Supporting a loved one with ADHD can be a lot. They understand that too. It is most important to take care of your own mental health, and needs, and not forget them in the process. If you are not in a stable position, extending stability might prove harmful to your mental health. So do whatever you need, and ask for support too. Your needs matter too!

Simply having a communication line open with your loved one over time will help you find multiple ways, exceeding the general ones we’ve mentioned here. It will help you find even ones unique to your loved ones!

ADHD is a challenge, but not one that we have to take on alone. That’s the beauty of life! So we have our loved ones, and we support them, and then they support us, and so goes on the tango of life. And if ever you feel the need for professional help, we are just a call away!      

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