It takes two to tango, yes, but even if one of them feels out of step, the rhythm falters!
A relationship is between two people, two individuals who come together and decide to stick together and build something beautiful. This choice doesn’t magically erase their individual wants, needs, or identities.
Therefore, in relationships comes the challenge of “the balancing act”. A delicate endeavour to maintain the connection while also honouring our unique needs. So, the answer is yes, individuality can thrive in relationships.
And according to a research conducted to determine the correlation between dyadic adjustment (the quality of a relationship) and individuality, if one is to have a long-term fulfilling commitment, individuality is one of the most important ingredients. So let’s find out more about individuality in relationships, so that you can take your first step at mastering the balancing act!
What is Individuality in Relationships?
In relationships, especially romantic ones, understanding, and fulfilling our needs is a challenging task because we tend to pool our resources–financially, emotionally, socially. In such collaborations, maintaining a sense of individuality may seem like an unnecessary effort or even a selfish pursuit.
But nothing could be further from the truth! We need to take care of our “selves”, because if we don’t eventually every relationship in our life is likely to be negatively impacted from it.
Psychology highlights two key concepts that support individuality in relationships: Differentiation of Self and Autonomy.
- Differentiation of Self: It refers to the ability to distinguish between one’s own thoughts and feelings and those of others. People with a well-differentiated self can maintain their own thoughts, feelings, and values while staying emotionally connected and responsive to their partner. On the other hand, individuals who lack differentiation may either conform to others’ opinions or pressure others to align with their own. In relationships, differentiation fosters a balanced ‘we’ rather than a chaotic ‘me,’ supporting a healthy partnership.
- Autonomy: It is a critical psychological need, representing the perception of self-directed freedom over one’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Reduced autonomy can make us feel pressured into duties that don’t reflect our true selves, leading to feelings of entrapment and suffocation over time.
Individuality is a blend of these two concepts. An awareness of one’s self– who exactly is the individual– and how that self can function with autonomy within relationships.
Why Should We Prioritise Individuality?
For healthy, fulfilling, and long-lasting relationships—that’s why! Research consistently shows that maintaining individuality is a key component of strong relationships. Here are some benefits of investing in this balancing act:
- Enhanced Well-Being: A clearer sense of self helps us manage relationship challenges without resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Meta-analysis of research on this subject by Schweer and Collins (2017) shows that individuals with strong self-identity experience fewer psychological and physical symptoms, a positive effect that naturally extends to their relationships.
- Avoiding Extremes: Fusion or Distance: When balance is missing, we can lose sight of our own needs and unhealthily fuse with our partner, or, conversely, create distance to avoid vulnerability. Striking a balance helps prevent these extremes, allowing relationships to develop in a healthy and fulfilling way.
- Secure Interdependence: Knowing and expressing our own needs is the first step to achieving them. Mastering this balancing act creates a safe space for open communication between partners, fostering trust and growth. By building this safe space, both partners feel free to explore their individuality without fearing for the relationship’s stability, which promotes mutual respect and equality.
- Relationship Satisfaction and Stability: Bringing all of these points together leads to greater satisfaction and stability. When partners feel supported in their individuality and securely connected, the relationship grows stronger and more fulfilling for both.
Contrary to popular belief, individuality isn’t selfish, and doesn’t undermine relationships. It strengthens them. The individuality of each partner serves as a foundation on which the relationship is built. Brick by brick, gesture by gesture, conversation by conversation, boundary by boundary.
How To Foster Individuality Within Relationships?
If you’ve read till here you’re either convinced, intrigued; or at the very least skipped to this part. So let’s give the people what they want! Here are some ways you can start exploring your individuality:
- Develop Self-Awareness: The absence of accurate self-knowledge can be a source of profound confusion. Through introspection or professional guidance, you can better understand your own needs, wants, and desires. This clarity builds self-confidence, allowing you to express your true needs within relationships. It can also help you identify relationship patterns, understand how you contribute to them, and make changes if needed. Start by asking yourself, “What do I need at the moment? And what does my relationship need?” Often, these needs may differ, and that’s okay. For example, you may need to work on emotional regulation, while your relationship may need more trust. By fulfilling your own need for regulation, you build a foundation of stability that can support greater trust in your relationship. It’s not a competition—focusing on your individual growth can strengthen your connection, creating a win-win for both you and your partner.
- Practise Emotional Responsibility: A partner is primarily responsible for their own emotions. Like putting on the oxygen mask first before helping people.Taking responsibility for your own emotions helps reduce the chances of lashing out. When partners focus on their emotional regulation, they’re better able to come together and nurture the relationship.
- Establish and Respect Personal Boundaries: Respecting each other’s authentic boundaries helps couples move away from blame and take ownership of how they can improve the relationship dynamic. It also encourages a partner’s autonomy.
- Scheduled Togetherness and Separateness: Consciously carve out time for shared activities as well as solo pursuits. You know that hobby that you want to pursue but your partner isn’t particularly interested in it? That one! That’s the perfect way to enjoy some fulfilling alone time.
- Encourage your Partner’s Individuality: Encourage, and support each other’s personal growth, and self-exploration. It’s like taking care of individual flowers to take care of the entire garden.
- Seek Professional Guidance: If you’re unsure where to begin but ready to make a change, consider working with a couple’s therapist. An objective third party can bring clarity and help you develop the skills needed for a balanced relationship.
Remember that all these are skills that CAN be learned. No one is born with it, but they can be moulded by it, and ultimately benefit from it.
Individuality is an integral aspect of long-term stable relationships. It brings not only balance, but fosters a deeper, and empathetic bond with the beloved. It helps foster self-understanding that illuminates the path forward for a relationship. Like a key that you didn’t know you needed to unlock a door of possibilities you didn’t know was there; yet! So, for a healthier partnership, start by discovering who you are. And if you need support on that journey, we’re just a call away!
References
- Agha, A. I., Shoaib, S., Solangi, A., Shahid, A., & Ahmed, F. (2023). Differentiation of self and life satisfaction in married women: Moderating role of mental wellbeing. Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, 38(4), 619-634. https://doi.org/10.33824/PJPR.2023.38.4.36
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1999). Boundaries in Marriage. Zondervan.
- Dowrick, S. (2021). Intimacy and Solitude: Finding New Closeness and Self-Trust in a Distanced World. Allen & Unwin.
- Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
- Lampis, J., Cataudella, S., Agus, M., Busonera, A., & Skowron, E. A. (2018). Differentiation of self and dyadic adjustment in couple relationships: A dyadic analysis using the actor‐partner interdependence model. Family Process. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12370
- McKinley, M., & Schweer-Collins, M. (2022). Differentiation of self: Conceptual considerations. In Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy. Springer International Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1120-1
- Rankin-Esquer, L. A., Burnett, C. K., Baucom, D. H., & Epstein, N. (1997). Autonomy and relatedness in marital functioning. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 23(2), 175–190. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.1997.tb00246.x
- Rusbult, C. E., & Van Lange, P. A. M. (2003). Interdependence, interaction, and relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 54(1), 351–375. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.54.101601.145059
- Schweer-Collins, M., Mintz, B., & Skowron, E. A. (2017). Differentiation of self in Bowen family systems theory. In J. L. Lebow, A. L. Chambers, & D. C. Breunlin (Eds.), Encyclopedia of couple and family therapy. Springer International Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-15877-8_345-1
- The Bowen Center. (n.d.). Differentiation of self. The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Retrieved October 10, 2024, from https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self