Even in strong, loving marriages, boredom can quietly creep in. Life’s routines take hold, and the early excitement that once came naturally can start to feel distant. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering where the spark went, you’re not alone — and your marriage is certainly not broken. Boredom is a normal, human experience, and it often serves as an important reminder. If left unaddressed it can bring insecurity, and great distances between partners. So, let’s explore why boredom happens, how it affects relationships, and, most importantly, how it can be a doorway to deeper connection and renewed joy.
A Normal Signal, Not the End
Feeling bored doesn’t mean you’ve fallen out of love. Psychologist Harriet Lerner (2018) reminds us that boredom is simply a natural response to the rhythms of long-term intimacy. Think back to when you first met your closest friend. How different does that relationship feel now compared to then? Does that change mean you love them any less? In the same way, the way we experience long-term romantic love naturally changes over time. Researcher Mandy Mann (2017) even described boredom as an “epidemic” across all kinds of relationships. It’s a signal — an opportunity to pause, reflect, and rekindle. Far from being a sign of failure, recognising boredom can be the first step toward building an even stronger bond.
Why Does Marital Boredom Happen?
- Routine and Predictability: Comfort can sometimes crowd out excitement when days begin to look the same.
- Being Too Busy or Distracted: Juggling work, family, and endless to-do lists often leaves little time for connection.
- Loss of Emotional Intimacy: Without heartfelt conversations, couples may start feeling more like roommates than partners.
- Complacency: When small acts of love fade away, so too can the spark that used to keeep things lively.
- Lack of Personal Growth: A relationship can feel stagnant when individuals stop pursuing passions or dreams.
Boredom usually builds slowly. It’s not the result of one big thing going wrong, but rather many small shifts over time. And this can impact the mental health of both partners!
How Boredom Affects Marriage
- Loneliness and Doubt: When boredom takes hold, it can wear down feelings of closeness. Couples may experience a deep sense of loneliness, feel disconnected, or even begin questioning the strength of their relationship. A nine-year study found that boredom predicted lower satisfaction years later (Tsapelas et al., 2009). The reassuring truth is that boredom doesn’t mean the love is gone — it simply signals the need for renewed care and attention.
- Loss of Intimacy and Communication: Boredom often leads to shrinking emotional and physical closeness. Shared laughter, meaningful conversations, and small gestures of affection can fade away. Couples may find their talks reduced to daily chores or bills. Even disagreements might lessen — not because harmony has grown, but because emotional engagement has weakened. Thankfully, recognising these patterns early gives couples a wonderful chance to reconnect and rebuild.
How Couples Can Bring Back the Spark
Rekindling a sense of closeness doesn’t require dramatic changes. Often, it’s the small, thoughtful steps that breathe new life into a relationship:
- Talk About It: Honest and gentle conversations can make boredom feel less overwhelming. Sharing feelings openly — without blame or criticism — allows both partners to feel heard and understood. Simply acknowledging the lull can ease tension and open doors to change.
- Try New Things Together: New experiences, even simple ones like cooking a new recipe or exploring a different part of town, create fresh memories and excitement. Stepping out of routine together builds emotional connection (Reissman et al., 1993).
- Deepen Emotional Connection: Beyond daily updates about chores, make time for deeper conversations. Laugh together, reminisce about fond memories, and share hopes for the future. These moments help nurture intimacy and remind you of the bond you share.
- Support Each Other’s Interests: Encouraging personal passions keeps both individuals vibrant and fulfilled. Bringing fresh energy into your own life naturally brings new life into your relationship, creating opportunities to grow and celebrate together.
- See Boredom as an Invitation: Rather than seeing boredom as a warning sign, view it as a nudge to evolve together. Relationships naturally change over time, and periods of stillness can offer the perfect moment to dream, plan, and reconnect on a deeper level.
- Consider Couples Counselling: Sometimes, an outside perspective can make all the difference. Working with a professional therapist can help couples identify underlying issues, rebuild communication, and introduce fresh strategies to reconnect. Online relationship counselling provides a safe space to address feelings of boredom, rediscover emotional intimacy, and strengthen the foundation of your relationship.
Studies show that couples who stay curious, playful, and engaged with each other build stronger, more satisfying relationships (Lewandowski, 2018).
Every marriage has seasons of stillness. Feeling bored at times doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person or that your best days are behind you. It simply means your relationship is asking for attention, curiosity, and a fresh spark of care. With small steps and open hearts, couples can transform a quiet season into a new beginning — filled with deeper love, better understanding, and renewed joy.
If you’re feeling stuck and need help reviving your relationship, we’re always just a call away! Investing in your relationship is one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your partner.
References
- Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 39(12), 3821–3852. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221110630
- Chan, S. F. (2024). What to do when your marriage feels boring. Focus on the Family Singapore. https://family.org.sg/resource/what-to-do-when-your-marriage-feels-boring/
- Heartfelt Counseling. (2021). Talk about relationship boredom (with your partner). Heartfelt Counseling MN Blog. https://www.heartfeltcounselingmn.com/blog/2021/8/9/talk-about-relationship-boredom
- Lerner, H. (2018). Why do people get bored with their partner? Psychology Today – The Dance of Connection Blog. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-dance-connection/201804/why-do-people-get-bored-their-partner
- Lewandowski, G. W. Jr. (2018). Rekindle your romance with self-expansion. GaryLewandowski.com Blog. https://www.garylewandowski.com/post/rekindle-your-romance-with-self-expansion
- Mann, M. (2017, May 15). How researching the science of boredom prepared me for marriage. The Cut. https://www.thecut.com/article/how-researching-boredom-prepared-me-for-marriage.html
- Pace, R. (2022). 15 common mistakes that lead to a boring relationship. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/mistakes-that-lead-to-boredom-in-a-relationship/
- Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion versus boredom. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 243–254. https://doi.org/10.1177/026540759301000205
- Travers, M. (2023, November 5). 3 tips to solve the paradox of marital boredom, from a psychologist. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/11/05/3-tips-to-solve-the-paradox-of-marital-boredom-from-a-psychologist/
- Tsapelas, I., Aron, A., & Orbuch, T. (2009). Marital boredom now predicts less satisfaction 9 years later. Psychological Science, 20(5), 543–545. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02332.x
- Vogels, E., & Anderson, M. (2020). Dating and relationships in the digital age. Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech. https://coilink.org/20.500.12592/zkjndg