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Cheating

Is cheating a choice?

Leave a Comment / anxiety, Emotions, Relationship, Self-Awareness, Support / By

It’s a tough question, isn’t it?
You might be reading this because your heart’s heavy. Maybe you’ve been cheated on. Maybe you’ve done the cheating. Maybe you’re just trying to understand something that doesn’t make sense. Whatever your reason, we want to say this upfront: we’re not here to judge. And we can’t give you a simple answer—because the truth is, there isn’t one.

Instead, this blog will help you make sense of what cheating really is, why it happens, how it affects people, and whether it can be forgiven. All you’ll need is an open mind—and a bit of courage.

What Does “Cheating” Even Mean?

Cheating isn’t just about sex. It can mean different things to different people.

Research breaks it into four types (Rokach & Chan, 2023; Mark et al., 2011):

  • Sexual (like intercourse or physical intimacy): Some people think of having affairs as physical—like kissing or sleeping with someone else.
  • Emotional (falling for someone else emotionally): Others feel betrayed when their partner builds a deep emotional connection with someone else. 
  • Combined (both physical and emotional)
  • Online (flirting or sexting virtually): Then there’s internet infidelity—flirty DMs, secret messages, even emotional closeness online.

If you’re confused about what “counts” as cheating, you’re not alone. A lot of couples never talk about boundaries until someone crosses them. But often, it’s not just about the act—it’s about secrecy, broken trust, and emotional pain.

Why Do People Cheat?

This is one of the hardest parts to understand—especially if you’ve been on the receiving end. But knowing the why doesn’t mean justifying it. It just helps you see the full picture.

Researchers say people cheat for different reasons (Mark et al., 2011; Rokach & Chan, 2023):

  • They feel emotionally disconnected with their partner.
  • They’re unhappy in the relationship.
  • They feel neglected or unseen.
  • They’re trying to boost their self-esteem.
  • Some cheat out of revenge, boredom, or even just opportunity (like while travelling or under the influence).

A large study found eight main reasons (Selterman et al., 2017): 

  • Anger – When someone feels hurt or mistreated, they might cheat to get back at their partner.
  • Sexual desire – Sometimes, people feel a strong physical urge that isn’t being met in their relationship.
  • Lack of love – They may feel like they’ve fallen out of love or that the emotional bond is fading.
  • Low commitment – If they’re unsure about the relationship or don’t feel fully committed, they may not feel bound by it.
  • Need for variety – Some people crave excitement or something new, even if things are steady at home.
  • Feeling neglected – When someone feels ignored, unappreciated, or emotionally alone, they may look for comfort elsewhere.
  • Situational triggers – Cheating can happen in the moment—under the influence of alcohol, while travelling, or during stressful times.
  • Self-esteem issues – Some people seek attention or affection to feel better about themselves, especially if they’re feeling low or invisible.

What’s important to note here is this: cheating is rarely the starting point of a problem. More often, it’s the outcome of one. It’s what happens when people don’t feel seen, heard, or emotionally safe in their relationship. That doesn’t excuse it. But it does point to the need for deeper conversations—about needs, boundaries, intimacy, and vulnerability.

And yes—some people cheat even when things seem fine. Sometimes, it’s not about the partner at all, but about the person’s own unresolved emotions or behaviours. Traits like narcissism or low self-control can increase the likelihood too (PsyPost, 2024).

Sometimes, cheating is used as a weapon against partners in toxic relationships. This is a rare abusive scenario, but it is possible, and in such cases it is best to seek out professional and community support.

What Happens After?

Cheating can break something deep inside for both partners. One might feel heartbroken, anxious, or emotionally numb. Some people even experience trauma-like symptoms—trouble sleeping, eating, trusting again (Rokach & Chan, 2023; Lonergan et al., 2023).

You’re not “too sensitive.” This is real. It can feel like the ground has shifted under you. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and it’s okay to not know what to do next. Even physically, the body may react—loss of appetite, panic attacks, sexual anxiety. 

Cheating undoubtedly damages relationships. It’s one of the most common reasons couples break up or divorce worldwide (Betzig, 1989, as cited in Mark et al., 2011). But not every story ends that way.

Still, when cheating happens, it usually shines a spotlight on things that weren’t working—whether that’s communication, trust, closeness, or emotional connection. What also hurts besides the act itself, is what it reveals about the relationship.

The Bigger Picture: What Society Doesn’t See

Society often talks about cheating like it’s simple—someone’s bad, someone’s good, end of story. But real life doesn’t follow those lines.

In India, where 90% of marriages are arranged (Livemint, 2020), infidelity is still common. A 2020 survey found that more than half of married Indians admitted to having affairs—53% of women and 43% of men. That number might be surprising, but it points to something deeper: many people feel disconnected, unfulfilled, or emotionally isolated in relationships that may look “fine” from the outside.

Here’s the thing—cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s often a symptom of something going unspoken or unresolved. That doesn’t make it okay. It doesn’t undo the hurt. But it can help you understand what’s really happening. When trust breaks, it’s often because something in the relationship—whether communication, intimacy, emotional safety—has already been slowly breaking down.

Sometimes people cheat because they feel emotionally invisible. Sometimes, because they’re not sure how to ask for what they need. And sometimes, because they’re afraid of facing hard truths within the relationship.

Understanding that doesn’t excuse the betrayal—but it can give you insight. And insight gives you power: to heal, to confront, to decide what happens next, how you want to proceed.

Can Cheating be Forgiven?

That’s a question only you can answer. Some couples work through infidelity. They go to therapy, rebuild trust, and come out stronger. Others can’t—or don’t want to. And that’s valid too.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean excusing their behaviour. It means choosing what healing looks like for you.

Often, forgiveness isn’t about “moving past” the cheating—it’s about understanding why it happened, what was missing, whether those needs can ever be met safely again, and if you want to make that effort at all. Forgiveness is just one of many paths forward. The only wrong choice is the one that ignores your truth.

So… is cheating a choice?

The research says it is. But one thing is clear–it’s never simple. It’s complex and has many layers.

And if you’re someone who needs help repairing their relationship, or coming out of one, we’re always just a call away!

References

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