Have you ever had the feeling that it is you who is hampering your progress? Do you ever have thoughts like “If only I could get on board with myself I can conquer the world!”. Sometimes we subconsciously hinder our growth. This is a real problem that most of us may face, yet only some of us may realize. Self-Sabotage. What is it? Why do we do it? And How do we Sabotage it? Keep reading to find out!
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a behavioral pattern in which we do or don’t do things that block our own success. It may be conscious or unconscious in nature. Often, self-sabotage is so sneaky that the people stuck in the vicious cycle don’t even realize what they’re doing is negatively affecting them. It may manifest itself through procrastination, and drug-taking behaviors. It may seem baffling but for the people suffering from it, it is an extremely real concern.
Why do we Self-Sabotage?
There are multiple reasons that people may find themselves self-sabotaging. These are often complicated and convoluted to the point where there may be multiple interconnected reasons for self-sabotaging. These may originate from
- difficult childhoods where “support” may have been in the form of bullying,
- difficult relationships (romantic and otherwise) like where one may have had to “support” people at their own expense, and
- difficult life experiences that may overwhelm our systems, like assault.
How does it rear its head in our life?
Some ways this pattern of self-sabotage may play out are as follows:
- Negative Self Talk: Our own automatic thoughts can be so discouraging that eventually it may become the truth. As creatures known for our supportive and social nature, we can be so rude and mean to ourselves. No one can bring us down like the voice in our head saying “We can’t do it” or “We’re not worth it”. Excuse you, voice, we survived till today, and we certainly can live a better, more fulfilling life in spite of your lies.
- Low self-esteem: We all think certain things about ourselves, but when this opinion is improbably skewed towards the negative we may be likelier to engage in self-sabotage behaviors. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence in the opposite direction, as long as we believe we’re nothing, we feel that way too. Human beings like consistency, so whenever close to doing something that is out of our normal, feelings of worthlessness may creep up. “But I am not someone who deserves a loving relationship!?” And the brain responds with self-fulfilling prophecies. Like a game of chance, rigged against us, by our own brains.
- Perfectionism: Our society puts perfection and its pursuers on a pedestal. What it actually is, is a crucifix. A burden on our soul. Nothing can be perfect, and in pursuit of something that never can be, perfectionists may end up blocking any real version of success that they can achieve if only they relinquish the allure of perfection.
- Fear of Failure: The rampancy of these feelings has hindered many valiant people from finding solace in life. The fear of disappointing people and ourselves by failing may be worse than undertaking the task itself. Procrastination may then seem like the only way to avoid what may feel like an unbearable humiliation. Enter self-sabotage.
- Lack of awareness: Often behaviors that may strike others as self-sabotaging are not obviously self-sabotaging in the minds of people stuck in that loop. That is their only reality. They may feel hopeless, powerless, and stuck. Yet there is hope, as long as there is life!
How to Sabotage Self-Sabotage?
It is a behavioral pattern, which means we can change it! It is not easy and may involve a lot of painstaking unlearning. But we deserve it. We all deserve a life full of love (especially self-love!). A life where we can protect ourselves, not only from the possible dangers around us but the invisible ones within us. Some ways to begin dealing with self-sabotage are as follows:
- Self-Compassion: The first thing we may do post realizing self-sabotaging is beating ourselves for beating ourselves up. “How can WE hurt OURSELVES?” Although the feeling of self-betrayal is valid, it is the lack of self-compassion that has kept this hurtful cycle in place. So cut yourself some slack. Seriously. Cut it! We’re all just human beings trying to find a way to live happily and survive in a dynamic and scary world. Try treating yourself like you would treat a friend experiencing the same distressing emotions.
- Identify patterns: Bring a little more awareness into how the vicious cycle exists in your life. What are the triggers that send you spiraling? What are the emotions you feel? And what are the behaviors they manifest? These may not be easy questions to answer but knowing what happens is the first step to changing it. The good news is, we’re not alone! We can take the support of those who are kind enough to hold space for us.
- Develop self-supporting habits: Habits like questioning the validity and pertinence of our thoughts, positive affirmations, and the aforementioned self-compassion may prove immensely beneficial as a weapon in the fight against self-sabotage. This will not happen instantaneously but we can always try and take the first step. We are worth it!
- Seek out professional support: Battling this behavioral pattern with professional support can make all the difference. From identifying our patterns to helping us build self-supporting habits, mental health professionals are trained to support us as we dismantle and break the cycle.
As difficult as it may seem to overcome a pattern of self-sabotage, it is not impossible. And as long as there is a possibility, there is hope. Hope for a happier life, hope for a gentler existence. The very act of reading this blog takes away some of the power away from the pattern. It is an act of revolution, an inner one. The most important battles are the ones we fight in our minds, and we believe in you. It is not a battle you need to fight alone!